Satguru mohae bhaavae

From my four CD Kabir album, called Kahe Kabir, this is one bhajan that I am now in a position to share.

It was recorded when I was in my late twenties, which means nearly 15 years ago. Kabir's poetry has long held the strings of my heart together and when I hear it after a long time today myself, I can see the reason why- the appeal is timeless, even if my singing style is markedly different.

Of course if I could have sung this now, it would be very different, more steeped in classical music, not so much embellishments of orchestral arrangements, perhaps  more stark. But the lyrics are powerful and their message is timeless. This reminds me of the one thing of that time today- that a younger me was very much in the search of the Satguru...for that stage had not yet come when the interface with the guru had happened.

Inappropriate graphics do not take away the message of a bhajan. It has taken a long time for us to upload this video, that too without the album cover depicted here, but I hope that does not distract from the message of the composition.

Kabiri Bhairav- Dhondutai Kulkarni

It is unusual for me to write so early in the morning, that too on my blog. I think from last evening or perhaps last few days a lot of ideas were tossing in my mind and I had to put them down on paper lest I lose them before long. So I opened another blog of mine on wordpress to write and then my email to check for new mail. Someone I know, had sent a beautiful email (which he sends to a whole lot of people everyday, with a different artist's music) about Dhondutai Kulkarni.

I mostly do not listen to anyone's music in the morning due to my own riyaaz, but I just turned this one, because I was inquisitive about this doyenne, who I had read long years ago about, in a book by C.S.Lakshmi; and her austere spirit had struck a chord in me then. It did again just now, when I heard her voice for the first time. As I write this I can feel goosebumps, on me. The singing is so clear and powerful, like what I have not heard in an extraordinarily long time (also partially because I do not listen to a whole lot of people, thanks to my own immersion in whatever it is). I felt that her singing is so strong, clean and uncontaminated, with no desire to show anything off- hermetic is the most befitting word actually, that one can actually learn this raga with her, just by listening. After the music started playing and I had not then seen the name of raga, because I was busy writing the other blogpost, I could hear the strains of Ahir Bhairav, though not exactly...and viola, I also discovered the new raga Kabiri Bhairav, that naturally enough I would have liked to learn, and I had encountered recently in my attempt to learn Nat Bhairav.

This is a strange coincidence today, because after a span of eight-nine years I am hoping to start learning with my guru once again, over skype! This is to remain in touch with newer compositions, add new ragas to the repertoire, as well as brush the ones from the past and further churn into the ocean of knowledge. Funny how all this came together today. Also my Golden Retriever- Ginger's birthday. On the whole a nice convergence of musical threads from various directions.

I am sharing here what the email shared with me about Dhondutai, as well as the music that is playing as I write this post. Thanks GKrishna, for this email.

"Namita Devidayal writes about her teacher, Dhondutai Kulkarni :

Dhondutai Kulkarni, a Hindustani classical singer of the Jaipur-Atrauli gharana, who died at 87 in Mumbai on Sunday morning, closed the chapter on a world in which music was not about performance or fame, but was as unconditional as breathing.

Dhondutai was born in Kolhapur in 1927 to a school master who defied the strict social norms that dictated the lives of Brahmin girls and pushed his daughter to learn music from Bhurji Khan, the son of Alladiya Khan, then the court singer in Kolhapur. She became well regarded as a child artiste and performed regularly on the radio. She later learned from Laxmibai Jadhav, also from the same gharana.

When the formidable Kesarbai Kerkar announced that she was finally willing to teach someone, she chose Dhondutai to be the lucky one who would inherit her rare ragas and inimitable style. Dhondutai’s father sold his house in Kolhapur and moved to Mumbai so that she could learn from Kesarbai and pursue a career in music.

Dhondutai was known for being a purist and for her repository of rare ragas. She was especially fluent in the Jaipur gharana’s compound ragas such as Lalita-Gauri, Basanti-Kedar, Bhoop-Nat and many others which, she said, had to be braided together so that you couldn’t tell where one raga began and the other ended. She was awarded the Sangeet Natak Akademi Award in 1990.

Fiercely independent, Dhondutai insisted on staying alone in flat in Borivli, in Mumbai, with only her gleaming tanpuras as companions. She continued to teach until the very end, for she was committed to ensuring that the gharana’s legacy be passed on. When she taught, she offered much more than musical nuggets. Along with voice culture, her students were recipients of her nuggets of wisdom. “These days you all teach your children how to win, but you should also be teaching your children how to lose, else their training is incomplete”. She was not blindly enamoured of modernity, saying, “the flickering flame of a diya will always give you more joy than a thousand powerful electrical lights”. She lived for two things – music and spirituality and the two were inextricably linked.

There was an other-worldly quality about her. She believed in, and saw things, that most others did not see, introducing her students to a dimension of life that was invisible to most people, like blessings and moondust, like those unseen notes that can never be written, which only a guru can teach her student, person to person. That is why, she firmly believed that the guru-shishya tradition can never really be replaced or modernized, or sentenced to the alleged efficiency of technology. She was very suspicious of the instant coffee fame that dictates the performance world today and never compromised her musical integrity in pursuit of worldly success. Fame, she believed, was more to do with luck than with an artiste’s true worth.

I first went to her, some 35 years ago, and she gradually transformed a reluctant student into one completely mesmerised by the magic of Hindustani classical music. I remember how, many years later, someone asked me whether I knew the Jaipur-Atrauli gharana’s secret two-note taan. I immediately challenged Dhondutai. Why hadn’t she taught this to me? Was I not worthy of the gharana’s most priceless gems? She just laughed and said,“But it’s one of the first things you learned. Think about it.” She then left the music room to make tea, leaving me strumming the tanpura, baffled. I scrolled through the entire musical database in my head to try and retrieve the two-note taan. Finally, she came back and said, “Come on, sing it!” I couldn’t. Then she revealed it and I realized that I had been singing it all my life, but without the hubris of knowing that I was.

Dhondutai is survived by a brother and his family in Delhi and a sister’s family in Jabalpur. Her musical family was far larger and includes many devoted students, fans and people like the late Azizuddin Khan, grandson of Alladiya Khan, her close friend and teacher, whom she would call if she forgot the second verse of a composition. She never got married because she believed you could never have more than one master. Hers was music.

Audio Track: Rag Kabiri Bhairav: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEv_NDkOpog

Dhondutai Kulkarni with her sister Shakuntala- Back row. Front row, Baba, Baba Bhurji Khan (her Guru)and his father Ustad Alladiya Khan

 Hear it here

Ahir Bhairav- bahut dinan thaen main preetam paaye

A few days back I was trying out a new raga- Nat Bhairav. It seems this happened after a really long time. The whole of 2013, perhaps I did not work on any new raga because there was no scope to learn it, either by meeting a guru, or my own spirit did not feel so elated to try new scales.

I only tried it for a few days, by going over the paltae...not having any khayal to sing or there in my repertoire yet. So I opened this favourite Kabir book of mine, Sant Kabir, by Radha Soami Satsang, Beas, and I tried to go through many dohas and saakhis. Often they are not something that can be set to musical interpretations, because they are so exactly metered, having no loose ends. Could not find anything suitable for setting into a vilambit tempo yet. But I think I did find something that would make a bhajan in the raga.

However, another doha jumped into Ahir Bhairav and said to me, sing me thus!!. However much I tried to see whether it sounded good in Nat Bhairav, it did not accept that scale. Finally I surrendered to the notes of Ahir Bhairav only. Here is the doha or saakhi, whatever it is-

Bahot dinan thaen main preetam paaye
Bhaag bade ghari baithe aaye

Mangalchaar maahi mann raakho
Ram rasaain rasna chakho

हिंदी में -
बहुत दिनन थे मैँ प्रीतम पायेँ
भाग बड़े घरि बैठें आये

मंगलचार माहिं मन राखौ
राम रसायन रसना चाखो

The funny thing about Kabir is that somehow or another, I manage to find something new in his poetry, which expresses my own inner affairs. I love the whole thing so much that I just pick up and sometimes, take a line which I then add another of my own to, and create a full khayal- the manner I did in Mian ki Todi. That was another great experience.

Todi and Kabir

9th March 2014

In my first classical music concert in Delhi I sang Kabir as khayal. Since it was a morning concert and fortunately for me I had a composition in Mian ki Todi I sang my own vilambit khayal, a Kabir doha. It is another matter that the timing was not exact- though i am not among those who are sticklers for the time based classification of ragas. I did take the liberty to stretch the timing of Todi to a little beyond 10 am, the real time when it is supposed to be stopped!

So mere ram, kabai ghari aawae
Jaa dekhe mera jiya sukh paave
सो मेरे राम कबै घरि आवैं
जा देखे मेरा जीया सुख पावै

the antra is not taken from kabir, but is my own addition-
ghari ghari jeevan beetat jaaye
pal beetae na bin raam dhiyaaye
घरि घरी जीवन बीतत जाये
पल बीते न बिन राम ध्याये

We are tuning together

After this khyal in vilambit laya, I also sang another drut bandish, though it was not Kabir's words but my own. I did not feel the need to say that to anyone.

Hae mann, jab paave raam- I am so fond of this khayal, my earliest or perhaps the very first composition in which I created the music in continuation of   Kabir's spirit of calling to the nirgun.

I followed this up with many Kabir bhajans because my whole theme was Kabir. Funnily enough though the organizers had given the name of EMOTIONS OF WOMEN THROUGH MUSIC, this aspect was only left for their banner perhaps because they never made a mention of it anywhere! So i wondered what was the reason of giving such a fanciful title to the whole program anyways! They did not ask artists what bhava was the dominant aspect of their music- for may be it did not seem necessary to them at all.

Mine is and always remains bhakti.:)  Even when I sing ghazal!

Making Song, Making Sanity- Canadian Journal of Music Therapy

This is the citation of my soon to be published article in the CJMT.

Sharma, P.  Making song, making sanity- Recovery from bipolar disorder. Canadian Journal of Music Therapy, 20(1), 2014

This article has reference to about seven Kabir bhajans and two ragas, one of whose vilambit and drut khayals are Kabir saakhis. So I decided to go and record all this music in a professional way and put it out as additional resources that go with the article.

The two ragas are Madhmad Sarang and Multani. To read the article please click the academia page, and when it will be uploaded there, it can also be downloaded. The music will be added from other sources soon, viz. soundcloud/youtube

Kahe Kabir- Mann Na Rangaaye

यह पद समाज को ललकारता है-

मन न रंगाये रंगाये जोगी कपरा
आसन मारि मंदिर में बैठे, ब्रम्ह्म छाड़ि पूजन लागे पथरा
मन न रंगाये।

कनवा फड़ाए जोगी जटवा बढो ले
दाढी बढ़ाये जोगी होई गैले बकरा

जंगल जाये जोगी धुनिया रमौ ले
काम जराए जोगी होय गैले हिजरा

मथवा मुड़ाए जोगी कपड़ा रंगो ले
गीता बांच के होय गइले लबरा

कहहिं कबीर सुनो भाई साधो
जम दरवजवा बाँधल जैबे पकरा

It may seem that Kabir is mocking the sadhus and those who make a living out of the 'god industry' I myself see it also as a satire about society in general- where whoever dons whatever garment, they do not do justice to that garment. Though people choose many trades and professions to make a living, they do not immerse in that line of work honestly.

I am translating the meaning of this pada as I have understood it- not in verse but a mere translation in that format

Doesn't colour (his/her) soul, colours only the garment

Sits cross legged in place of worship (temple/mandir)
Instead of god worships stone idols

Sitting in jungles mid austerities,
Thinks of controlling lust, and become a eunuch;

By shaving off hair and colouring (external) garment
Just pays lip service to the Gita

So says Kabir, listen to this my friend
( i do not know how to translate this yet!!)

Kabir Demo Workshop- reflections

Yesterday, as per schedule, we had a demonstration of the Kabir Singing Workshop, and as per my expectations seven people came! The number seven has its own significance for me and I could not miss it at all yesterday when these musical notes came around.

Of course many more wanted to, but could not and naturally enough it is not always easy for people to come for demo-s unless they know what they stand to gain.

So here is how we went about it. I had decided to go with one song- Jaag piyaari ab ka sovae...for it is a simple melody and when we teach people of varying abilities together, it is something I feel everyone can pick up. I shared with everyone the raga that it is largely set in, and then the tala in eight beats- we started one line at a time. I know it was a new experience for some that they had never sung in their lives.

But the sense I got from everyone was that they were happy, relaxed and peaceful with the singing. I took a feedback on a feedback form, just to be sure that I do not miss out on any criticism that comes my way - the only regret everyone had was that it was too short! Everyone has shown interest in wanting to come back and/or take this idea to their respective institutions or organizations.

So what is the Idea behind these workshops?

The idea about the workshop came to me, like I said in one of my earlier posts here, that after I wrote my paper for the Canadian Journal of Music therapy in which I spoke about my own recovery, largely using Kabir's poetry for my health and rehabilitation. It occured to me that many people love Kabir and may be they would stand to gain if I could teach them a bit of singing, and let them experience Kabir inside them, and not just hear it from another throat.

It goes without saying that music teaching is more difficult than music performance, especially for someone who is performance ready. But I feel the need to arrive at an inner balance to balance out these two things, so that my musical ideas also get married to my social altruism; empower people to carry home Kabir into their throats and therefore heart, and possibly open the pathways for their own healing and wellness too. So in effect I am looking at music teaching as also contributing to the wellness of those who participate.

This is the intention that I am starting with- I hope it would find a room in many hearts. The aloofness of musicians who come and perform and enthrall others for a few hours, does not mesmerize me any longer, though it has its own merit. I wish for music to transform, for that is the future of music now- not just musical performances, and all resources towards that alone.

Music belongs to civilization and not just musicians so only when we get past our own selfishness and egoistic craving for adulation byothers, will we transfer it to others, else simply spray it around and leave the scene feeling victorious. That reminds me of the song, Hum ko mann ki shakti dena, mann vijaya karein, doosron ki jay se pehle khud ko jay karein. It is important that we conquor our own greed and lust for power and applause first. Why bother about how much the world applauds us? If we cannot conquor ourselves, we will continuously seek that applause from the world around- if we do, it may not really matter so much.

This is my journey and my struggle- to do what I want to and not necessarily that which brings me fame or money- they are evanescent, not knowledge. And spreading knowledge is the best that I can offer to the world. SO this is one such thing- my best for the rest.

Making Song, Making Sanity- via Kabir+

Pardon me in case you come looking for this entry- I have moved it to a new location. Kindly check it here -

http://prateekshalaya.wordpress.com/2013/12/09/research-writing-chronicling-the-process-of-a-submission/

It was not in sync with the Kabir blog that this blog is meant to be.
Thank you for your interest in my writing.

Kabir is like a wave that Returns

I recall that every year one way or another, some stirring happens in the name of Kabir...as though a wave keeps returning back to the coast with varying amplitudes. Somehow I also wonder if by the time a calender year ends, how Kabir makes an appearance in my life.

What a mystical relationship I feel sometimes, that goes through its own cycles or circles, and on and onward.

So here are the things that finally happened THIS YEAR-

First of all, I decided about the idea of Hamsadhwani Enterprises, and to bring music into its center and not the remaining arts, as I did in the past. Music pedagogy has always been a serious concern for me, partially because of the difficulty in receiving musical training myself. On a tangent, I am reminded of my master Kabir, who kept looking for a guru who would give him deeksha and show him the path of god (the way I did, after every single music teacher of mine) And then when he found his own Ram(and through him me too)...there was so much he created. In other words, teachers were always the same- full of their own knowledge and not really bowed under its weight or responsibility!

Secondly, out of the blue I read about the Canadian Journal of Music Therapy and decided to contribute something in qualitative research. I have always felt that Kabir and me are so close to one another, or rather his poetry is such an expression of me, that to write one paper can only be the start of a longer expression, which would necessarily be a book. The first paper I have written in music therapy (for a journal) is about Kabir (!). Just today I signed the document handing over copyrights in part to the Canadian Association of Music Therapy and part to myself for using the paper. Wow! I felt very honored.

When I opened this blog to write just now, I saw that the one lower entry talks of my idea of Kabir singing workshop from 16th July! In other words I thought about it that long back. So the workshop idea becomes the first service that we would offer from Hamsadhwani, and that is the next little idea.Number three.

The fourth idea was Pranab's- to make a video...and we got down to it, in a jiffy. Just recorded it and canned it on 3rd Dec 2013. Look at some of us here, shot by Sabyasachi, the editor :) We look like a band of crooks...happy after a robbery- Two are also a bit worried about the consequences.

The team that was involved with the recording of the Kabir video. L-R: the young lad who came with the lights and studio equipment, Dhananjay, tabla artist, Me- voice (just in case my role was not clear!!), Amarpreet, harmonium artist, and Pranab- filmmaker and the spirit behind this whole team coming together.

So now from the sense I get is that the video will be made of a satirical song- mann na rangaaye rangaaye jogi kapda 

So this is at the time of writing this, I have planned a demo-workshop of Kabir singing, on the next weekend. Let us see how it goes. The response that I have got thus far is heartening mostly- may be I am only tuning into those who are supportive.

I am NOT mentioning here about the new Kabir compositions that happened this year, because that is a part of life every now and then.

The Kabir Singing Workshops

This idea of doing the workshops actually came to me when I finished writing my paper for the Canadian Journal of Music therapy , about my journey of healing through engagement with Kabir's poetry. Me and Prof Ajit Dalal spoke much about my musical repertoire over the last many years.

In any case he and me are planning to set up a Hansadhwani research project in music therapy, so why not use bhakti singing we thought? It may happen that way, as singing is something that instantly lifts people from the glooms that their mind plunges them into.

But this workshop idea came just like a flash to me, for i have seen for years and years people running after listening to Kabir. I thought why not let them search for their Kabir within themselves too, the outer can be accompanied by an inner journey too. So this is the genesis

Prof Girishwar Misra was so thrilled to see the whole conception that he said, it could become a movement in society! That is the work that others can do, and Shabnam Virmani really did bring Kabir into the centerstage for young people around with her great movies. I am simply someone who loves Kabir, loves people and would love to join the dots...wherever I can. I see myself as a collaborator of a different nature- perhaps toward empowering people by adding to their skills

The seed has been sown and I spoke with many. Let's see for every idea has its own life, its own time and its trajectory. Hamsadhwani is just learning to walk- the flight would have to be of the ideas alone.

A Many Stranded Musical Braid I Weave

If I see my musical life as a braid- the one which has several strands in it, a dominant strand is represented by Kabir. It is very astonishing how deeply Kabir runs through me- like an inner guru, an ego ideal, a prominent strand of my consciousness, a lens to examine the world around with and my own voice sometimes calling out to the almighty.

Just now i was writing my first article about my own musical recovery from illness and in that I saw how dominant Kabir's presence is- to the extent that i understood it cannot be summed up in one article alone (since for this one i have a word limit of about 8500) For long I knew Kabir was someone who merited a lot more work from me, as part of my musical journey. I hope I will be able to accomplish it.

For now once I wind off this article/paper I hope to share it more openly, including the story of my long illness and how debilitating it has been. The idea of course being to empower others who may be going through the same or similar pathways.

So though Kabir is one strand, however prominent it may seem, it is not the entire braid- and i am thankful for that to my own inner guru, which was once projected on Kabir, the other strands of my musical journey are equally deep, meaningful and sublime. But for this paper all my inquiry is being done from the point of Kabir only- how his poetic voice becomes my voice, how my voice finds a calling in his voice and then how the dichotomy ends and i become one with my inner voice, which now comes to me from all sides that i can pay heed to.

END OF JOURNEY if you think about it- for this marks the end of my fragmentation.

Kabir, me and All India Radio

For the last few days there has been a churning in my mind about Kabir.

I started to write for the first time about Kabir, not in a blog format, nor poetry - but the reasons and the manner in which Kabir entered my life. IT has been a long journey.

And today as I record this- spiritually i find myself in a quiet place- for how else could have been someone who engaged with Kabir at an early age?

I was invited by the National Channel of the All India Radio- to discuss and share my story of Kabir. There is so much to share, that a program like that is really not enough. And I realize that if you do not tell the anchors they can pretty much not ask you the questions which evoke serious, insightful responses. How can they? They engage with so many people of so many different lines of work it is simply not possible to ask the best questions.

But that reminds me about my own interview with Madhup Mudgal long back- when i worked as a young editorial assistant in the (now dead) ARTimes. I read and read so much about Kumar Gandharva- because I was going to talk to his disciple about him. I wanted to ask him good questions, where he would say something insightful about his guru. The interview was among the most successful interviews done with Madhup Bhaiya himself, he confessed himself. Imagine my recorder failed to record anything!!! So when I checked it after a few minutes it was blank. IN panic i called up bhaiya and told him what happened. He immediately came down with his own recording device:)- but now i had figured out to be more careful and I managed to record him again on my own device.But that was a different time- I was just about 25.

IN the radio interview we talked and the tanpura kept playing quietly in the background and whenever i was up to it, I just sang a line or so- the manner I normally do while speaking about kabir or illustrating something musical. IT was interested as I did not know that such a thing could be done on the radio also!

The real interesting part was that I had been invited for a 15 minute interview!!! I felt like telling them that calling me for a 15 minute interview is a waste of my and their effort- i should be given at least an hour. But I did not have to say that to anyone- they automatically gave me an hour, and decided that the same interview could be broadcast in three different programs- cutting chunks here and there. Those three programs would be the original Mulakaat for which I was invited, Stree Shakti and Sant Baani. So let us see how this goes. I hope I get connected, as I will be out of Delhi at the time of the broadcast.

Once upon a time when I had gone for the first time to audition at the AIR- Delhi station, i had only given options of Kabir bhajans. When i sang at the audition, I was asked do you not sing anything else? I said no. They never cleared me as a candidate. Next time I interspersed Kabir with a little bit of Meera and only then could i go past the clearance line. But that was long back-2004. I have not bothered about the radio ever since. But now maybe I need to reconsider that decision, so am just getting together my list, which is not going to be Kabir only all over again- even though my Kabir repertoire has really become big!

The Many named ONE

(To my friends who have wondered about why I have so many names...)

I am the many named One

Nay I do not remain one even in the way 

You meet me now and then

Or as and when

For like my garment, 

Many a name I don-

Just like the seasons, that wear a new look

Every few months

I do too-

Why shouldn't I 

For I am the many named One-

And no name of me is just another of my whims

In fact, each contains all and it all reflects me

There is a girl name I have 

And a woman name

I have a Hindu name now-(prateeksha)

And a Muslim name then-(saba/naheed)

To some a Sikh name it seems, (preeti)

And sometimes a Christian name I have- (michelle)

And then Hansadhwani- my vision for the world

The woman who carries the swan and all that the swan holds

I am the infinite tossing in the infinite 

And wherever I see a part of me reflected

I reflect that part at thee (and you see me in my new yet another avatar)

I become a whole universe here

And there I become a little atom.

Then the many roles I perform

You call them different names, don't you?

For one a daughter, another a sister, a friend

A teacher, or an artist, a poet or a scientist...

When you see me in so many roles

Why should I just have ONE name

When they have their own special names too?

I am the multi-hued one, 

The singer who sings in three languages

The poet who writes in another one and the teacher ...

The dreamer, the gardener, the cook, the composer,

The dog pack leader, the guide, the friend

Who speaks another

And all my languages converge to become one complete

Unending flow- Tis the flow of love (preet)

And nay it is not love of one kind only

In it flows my entire being, my soul, my world

And all that is a part of my world-including you

In it I occasionally take a deep breath and dive down

To come up and see myself coloured in yet another hue

There was once a blue, now a green, now a sunny yellow

Just as there have been greyest of dawns and darkest of nights

And I still hide them in my numerous folds

With so many colours, hues and shades to me

How can I just remain One name?

Daughter of the heavens, you call by so many names

Just like my divine origin (as much as your own, though you may have forgotten of it)

And they are all me- prateeksha, preeti, saba, naheed, cymbal, michelle,hansadhwani...

Lightly as I tread the world

Lightly a new garment I don

Lightly a new name I take

Brightly my smile I flash 

And yet nothing is light at all

For a deep thought goes into it all-

Every light step that I take

So now you know when you see me in another avatar

That I am the many named ONE

And all contain me

And despite it all, though serious I maybe

I am still the lightest, the one filled with mirth

The one who flows quietly, peacefully 

Anchored at last internally.

Dated: 30th June 2012

Birth of 'Saba' Prateeksha

मेरे सतगुरु पकड़ी बांह नहीं तो मैं बही जाता


कागा से हंसा किया, जाती बरन कुल खोये
दया दृष्टि से सहज सब, पातक डारे  धोये

The ways flowers of two colours mingle with one another- so ought humans to.

I have sometimes shared with others and more than that felt inside me that I do not just sing Kabir, I live by the words of Kabir, as I am sure do scores of others who are touched by Kabir in a significant way. I have internalized the philosophy and the lens of Kabir to look at life and for a lot of reasons I pick up the lens now and then, and usually there is a solution there for me for whatever the lens is picked up for.


For long years I have toyed with my name. I am sure most people are very comfortable with their own names and most in fact love their names. I have had a love/hate relationship with mine. I have always found it a bit inadequate or a verb; whereas I would much rather have been an emotion or an adjective:)!! Who can debate with parents why they named their children a certain way- strange are the reasons for naming children.

This uneasiness has made me want to change my name now and then,and as my closest friend will bear testimony indeed I did that at every possible juncture.

There are two things that are very significant in the final arrival at Saba Prateeksha- one is Kabir and the other is ghazal. Kabir being the influence he has been in my life has made my worldview completely beyond religion. To me the most important thing is the human being and the human mind, and religion the least significant. Kabir himself was born in a Hindu family and brought up by Muslim weavers- Niru and Nima, who were his adoptive parents. Is there any difference between parents? Kabir also mocked both Hindus and Muslims in his time for their ignorance and appeasement of god. So with such a person as a guide and ego-ideal I certainly could not remain confined to my Hindu-Brahmin Identity, because I did not feel comfortable in it for a long time. Or even if I did, I knew it did not completely define who I was.

The next significant thing in my singing-life after Kabir has been ghazal and I have been able to adopt the format of the ghazal simply because I love the Urdu language and the culture it represents, its etiquette and its poetry. To come to terms with ghazal singing I felt my name Prateeksha was not proper for representing ghazal. It was too complex a sound, for the Urdu language does not have letters like Pr or ksha. I sought advice and was suggested the name Naheed Anjum by the same person who had inspired me to sing ghazal, the poet-mathematician, Dr Naseem Ajmal. So that did it!! I even performed in Nepal with the name, Naheed Prateeksha...and then came Saba finally, because somewhere Naheed was not doing the trick for me in my ears too!

I became neither Naheed Anjum nor remain Prateeksha Sharma- but i merged the two of them to become Saba Prateeksha- half of this and half of that; the end of duality in my mind, in my name and in my work. Thanks to my master I have dropped the trappings of all that I was born into- whether name, birth, caste or clan. These were the lines I opened this blog post with - from a raven a swan I have become, due to my master says Kabir, says Saba Prateeksha.

To the ignorant this is a sign of me becoming Muslim; for why have I chosen a Muslim name say some. to the wise this is me becoming my integrated self. To myself- I am finally at home- in my own name, in my own self. At peace - for this is the end of the split that I aspired for always. And hereafter the world shall see the birth of the musician. May the music with each one make them complete.

The flowers showing here were grown by me long back outside my house

Mann mast hua

In the recent program in Kathmandu, I sang a number of new bhajans. A number of them were composed in the past few months and by far the most complex one for me was this one- Mann mast hua...a very popular bhajan, sung by a number of musicians and singers.

Somehow this bhajan never interested me, because of the manner it was always sung.The significance of the words never came out. I always wondered why the hell anyone was singing that.

On the other hand, I had never composed anything in Bhairavi...as I have never really sat and learnt the raga, except with guruji- Sh. Dasgupta-ji while teaching me Shuddh baani style of singing. So I never had a stock of bandishes, thumris or anything to sing in this raga.  I just decided to marry the two together.For another reason too. I did want to have one bhajan in Bhairavi to conclude my program and it ought to have been a befitting one too.

When I toyed with the idea, it worked well. I sat down and racked my brains. The time was either late October 2011 or early Nov. I composed the first line in Bhairavi and the next too, and then because I had recently heard something of Anup Jalota-ji's singing, I wanted to try out a number of ragas. I did!

There is a line that goes. Hansa paya mansarovar (हंसा पाया मानसरोवर, ताल तलैया क्यों डोले) I set this in Hansadhwani- another raga which I am really hoping to sing and perform because it is also the name of our foundation and has a great significance for me personally.  Then I thought about what Mansarovar the Hansa had found.    mansarovar (have a look at this link too)
 and it fits into the Hindu cosmology. Makes sense. When the soul which is the discerning being within each one, finds the essence of life, why would it go and contaminate its mind in everything it runs into. This is the significance of these words.

Another line of the song Tera sahib (तेरा साहिब है घट माहीं , बाहर नैना क्यों खोले) seems to work well in Bhairav!! the overall composition is sounding quite good and I have really sung in a lot now, to get it going tunefully in my throat

Bhakti in Bhaktapur

The most befitting place for singing devotional songs would be a place whose name itself is so steeped in Bhakti. So when I heard the name Bhaktapur, I just smiled to myself. It sounded nice enough...but going there two days before the concert made my heart break into a song automatically. It was so beautiful that it was sheer poetry.

a bird's eye view of the school 

the accomapanying artists- tuning

this is a view of the concert while it is on...or maybe  just before, while we test the  speakers etc

concert in progress

In this program I sang nearly 10 Kabir bhajans and four of Meera. I started with Smt Veena Sahasrabuddhe's composition- ghat ghat mein panchhi bolta. (घट घट में पंछी बोलता) and sang total of four before moving over to meera, which I began with Nahin aiso janam barambaar...in Bhupali

everyone performing 

AAoonga naa jaaoonga

आऊँगा न जाऊंगा, ना मारूंगा ना जीयूंगा
गुरु के सबद मैं रमी रमी रहूँगा


आप कटोरा आपे थारी आपे पुरिखा आपे नारी


आप सदाफल आपे नीम्बू, आपे मुसलमान आपे हिन्दू


आप मच्छ कच्छ आपे जाल आपे झीन्वर आपे काल


कहे कबीर हम ना ही रे नाही , ना हम जीवत ना मुवाले माहीं


When in 1999, I had composed this bhajan of Kabir, my sister had predicted that it would be a popular one. Of course, it never became a huge success the way a lot of songs do, because I could not share it on many fora, but wherever I did I do think it was well liked. The other thing about music is its repeat value. When most of the times my compositions are new, people cannot connect with them. But had they known them for a long time then the repeat value would have really mattered.

Anyways, every life has a different trajectory to follow. So while I am on my own in this life, I really love to sing this particular pad...which means that thanks to the fact that I am so immersed in the words of my guru, I shall transcend this whole circle of life an death: I will not be born again. Neither I will be born again, nor I shall die. Kabir says this with utter confidence because the whole duality in which the whole world is immersed is no longer hoodwinking him- there is no Hindu, no Muslim, there is no separation between the water and its creatures, there is no separation between man and woman, and nor is there an illusion of big or small. So when I have seen beyond the play of opposites I am free of this play of the opposites says Kabir.

This to me is the meaning of the song; which of course is based on my singing of it over twelve years now. I am sure there are other meanings for those who are more knowledgeable. This is for you who reads it right now.

In this picture there is Mishra-ji playing on the tabla with me in one of the concerts I had long back at the Shri Ram Institute of Industrial Research, an accompanist for most of my riyaaz and musical efforts; and the real saakshi who has seen my long and winding road.Hear it here

Posting for the year end 2011

December is slowly casting its cold wintry spell. Today is by far the coldest day so far- maybe the following days will be colder. I cannot say. I am looking back at all these past years, not that I have a clear picture of all the time, but yes ...Kabir has very much been a part of the road for me.

On the last count I had nearly 40 odd Kabir bhajans in my repertoire. It seems to be such a bias. But it is a fact. This month, in fact the last one, I composed that much sung Kabir bhajan - man mast hua tab kyon bole. I was never convinced whenever anyone sang it, because I never understood the lyrics of it. But when I composed it myself and sang a few times I could make out the meaning.

I thought and thought that if the heart was so 'mast' then why would it not communicate. Then I remember the sufi song- dama dum mast qalandar...Why would a happy heart not want to communicate? Or is the outer expression of happiness only a superficial expression. Even in another of Kabir bhajans I recall the lines...

याहू रस पीवे गूंगा गहिला
ताकि कोई ना बूझे सार रे

Ah! which meas that Kabir is saying that once you have really understood what the essence of Ram/Brahman is- you will not need to communicate it and you shall be so much in your own ecstasy that the outer expression will cease. Understood now, why when the heart is 'mast'..it will not speak any further.

मन मस्त हुआ तब क्यों बोले
हीरा पाया गाँठ गथिआयो
बार बार वा को क्यों खोले...


समझे????

Of course the picture does not fit here. But Nikki the lab, who has her snout on Ginger the retriever is actually one of those dogs who refuses to bark too much . AM wondering if she is the one who is truly in her own masti!

November 2011

This November proved to be an active month- कबीर-wise for me. For now what I call as 'active' does not have to do with anything except my own riyaaz, compositions and writing. But this month I also had a little program, in the house of a recently made friend; who happens to be a senior professor in Lady Irwin College of Delhi University. Meeting her had been another accident and an interesting tale too.

Her mother met me a few weeks after I met her and upon hearing that I sang Kabir expressed the desire to hear me sing. Looking at her and the way I usually am with the elderly I said I would come down to her home and sing it! And a few weeks later, her daughter arranged it for her mother's pleasure; to have an evening of Kabir bhajans; in a little gathering that comprised a few of her friends and fewer of mine. Since I was venturing into singing out after a long time I thought at least one or two who really wanted to hear me sing ought to be invited. I invited one professor from the CIE and one from Psychology. The former came and the latter apologized later, but invited me to sing at another place later! (in this picture it is me sitting with aunty- Mrs Bhalla after the singing was over and she hugged me)

 On the left here is Dr Anjali Capila and one of the other guests for the evening Vijay, while the one on right- is Tansen Shriwastava; my tabla artist friend and accompanying artist for the evening.


So on the said evening-13th Nov 2011, I sang Kabir bhajans for the longest till yet- approx two hours and a quarter, to a group of about 12-15 people. Tansen played the tabla with me, Karim provided the humour for the evening, Murad pitched in with his poetry, his mother invited me to sing in another program, Poonam-ji invited me to sing also, something she wanted for some time now...and of course there is an invitation to sing somewhere in the mountains too. Whenever more of those singing programs happen I shall note them down here.

But for this prog I must note here that I sang one bhajan of Smt Veena Saharabuddhe (ghat ghat mein panchhi bolta) taught to me by my guru, Smt Madhuri Dandage, one by Kumar Gandharva- jhini jhini (and even shared the meaning of it) one by Madhup Mudgal -haman hai ishq mastana. The rest about 12-13 were my own compositions. The last one that I sang was aaoonga na jaaoonga -

आऊँगा न जाऊंगा ना मारूंगा न जिऊंगा
गुरु के सबद मैं रमी रमी रहूँगा

29th Dec 2000- The release of Kahe Kabir Album

these are a few pictures from the day, my Kabir Album was released. It was released by the older of the Singh Bandhus- Sardar Surinder Pal Singh-ji at the Gandhi Peace Foundation in New Delhi. I have shared here a news item that appeared in the Hindu paper of 29th Dec 2000.

Below, in this picture I am standing with my guru, Smt Madhuri Dandage.

 This third picture is of me singing with the other musicians on the occasion of the release. It is so long back, that memories are really faint for me- but when I look back today...I can only reconfigure it in my mind with the word, "Oh, so this also happened in my life!!"